Biker 7: June 2010

With a late start I was prepared for a dark rainy ride, clouds covered me, Junior Wells was singing the Blues on my Mp3 Player, the track was lonely, it just didn't feel right.. Climbed the levee at Williams and proceeded south toward Audubon Park, the sun snuck through a cloud break and fed me a small burst of enthusiasm. Cruising about 14 Miles an hour without any wind resistance, the houses on the left had their inside lights on, on the right frogs, crickets and cicadas were chirping in step with my pedal cadence.. trouble began when I passed Harahan and approached the area before the Huey P Long Bridge , Mr Cigar was sitting on the cement wall of the levee like he does every Friday and Saturday night smoking fat pungent stogies with aggression ,just past him the rabbits graze on the grass sprouts, 8 or 10 fat brown field rabbits,
I was watching them with interest, my right wheel caught the edge of the pavement , I lost my balance and to stay up I had to face the side of the levee, about 10 or 15 feet down the front wheel dug in to a hole, turned the handle bars , the bike and I flipped and rolled down the side of the levee, I remember landing tangled in the bike and although my helmet protected my head my jaw hit the ground with a dull thud. I knew I was hurt, double vision, fuzzy thinking,
headache. I acted orderly, "assess damage" I said to myself, nothing feels broken, legs are tangled in frame , cut and bleeding ,nothing needing immediate attention, breathing rapid,
anxiety high. Untangling myself and trying to stand up took some balance control and effort but still nothing broken, standing there I once again looked for the rabbits that got me in this mess and they were all gone, I turned to face the batture and heard a sniffle below me, I'm amazed that in front of me is a rabbit, 2 feet tall, pink nose,, blue eyes, a fluffy blue hide, wearing a blue velour cartoon hat and with an British accent says to me " good evening " , "join me in the batture for some recovery". Not one to look a gift rabbit in the mouth I follow this thing into the woods of the batture. Thirty feet into the woods we meet up with a 2 foot Caterpillar, yellow with blue spots,and 12 arms sitting on a stump smoking a Hookah, that's not the weirdest part, in a Jimmy D Cricket voice says " have a hit brother", I smoked for 30 years so I decided since I'm in the twilight zone why not, I carefully lifted the rubber hose to my lips and took a deep drag, hum, familiar taste, took another hit to verify the tobacco, it wasn't cigarette tobacco,, it wasn't Middeltons Cherry Blend Pipe tobacco, it wasn't Panama Red, or Louisiana Homegrown, no its was definitely Blond Lebanese Hashish, I exhaled and the Caterpillar and rabbit were gone, no where to be found. "Now what" I thought to myself, I headed in the direction I thought would bring me back to my bike, instead it brought me to the River, like it was staged for me out of the water comes a foam , latex looking white whale stuck with harpoons and tangled in rope , Gregory Peck, not Captain Ahab attached to its side, down into the water it went not to be seen again, following the river a little I'm confronted by a scraggly little man, white hair , mangled white beard, threadbare white t shirt, and shredded pants hanging over black high top tennis shoes. "How'd you get here' He ask, "not sure" I reply.I ask inquisitively " was that Moby Dick and Captain Ahab I just witnessed " "no" he replies ,"it was a foam latex fake whale with Gregory Peck tied to the side, there was nothing I could say but "are you Robinson Caruso" "no I'm Frank his brother, now come on, we walked past a crane and I couldn't'' be sure and if I hadn't toked the hashish I'd be amazed , I thought he asked me if I wanted to try a Vlasic Pickle, then I see his little blue delivery hat and rimless glasses, "makes sense " I mumbled . turning to the direction we were going Frank Caruso has disappeared, so I wonder, this wouldn't be right without Gilligan, sure as shit at the waters edge is a beach with a small wrecked ship , the side has "Minnow" painted on it . Gilligan ,, who looks like Gilligan, jumps out the boat and says " you not gonna save us" , " Ginger , Maryanne and I are having a great time since the Professor , Skipper and the Howells drowned in that hurricane" , no longer surprised I simply ask Gilligan "How do I get out of here" "the levee is that way he points",
I thank him like this is all real, my head's still a little fuzzy from the fall so I head to the levee to look for my bike, I hear a voice "Hey" Hey You", my god it's Humphrey Bogart, I met with the man in dirty khaki outfit and hat, he wasn't in color though he was in black and white. "have you seen two guys dressed like me" "no" I reply ,"are you by any chance Humphrey Bogart" , "who else would I be " " listen "he says, " we hit a gold strike , we going to New York to buy a Maltese Falcon wholesale then taking it to Casablanca to sell it , make a killing,buy a fishing boat in Martinique, hear Lauren Becall say" " you know how to whistle , just put your lips together and blow" " then drink beer with Walter Brennan". By now I'm over whelmed, I started running to the levee, right as I reached edge of the woods I tripped on a cypress knee, fell down and hit my face on a branch, I went unconscious for a few seconds, when I awoke I looked around and my legs were tangle in my bike frame , cut and bleeding , my helmet was twisted, a few bruises but generally ok. "Thank god" I thought to my self it was all a dream, or something, I untangled myself , the bike was alright , nothing broken on me or the bike, climbing up to the paved path I kept thinking," what the hell was that all about, wow". Its a little darker as I started down the trail again, I traveled about a mile and look to my right and it's cigar man, and just past him are the rabbits, my god what am I gonna do, this is a rerun , I kept pedaling when I passed the cigar man he turned to face me and it was Rod Serling, I peddled as fast as I could and the rabbits started chasing me and they had fangs, I reached Audubon Park and hid in the shelter bathroom for thirty minutes or so, I peeked out the door and no rabbits , no cigar man, I decided to clean the wounds on my legs, I got a wet one out my pack , reached down to clean the blood on my legs and there's no blood, no cuts, no rabbits, nothing. I jumped on my bike headed straight for home on the street and promised myself that's the last time I take a Valium before a bike ride.
85 mile weekend .