Last Friday night I was cruising south on the River Levee having a great time, minding my own business, enjoying my state of mind , digging the scenery, feeling the rush, the high of serotonin and endorphins up taking from one brain cell to another, back and forth, back and forth , back and forth. The temperature was perfect , little breeze, sunset at my back, dusk ahead of me, MP3 player blaring "White Rabbit" by :Jefferson Airplane",, "one pill makes you smaller and one pill makes you large and the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all", "go ask Alice when shes 10 ft tall",..I reached the bend in Harahan, suddenly out of nowhere a bright,bright,bright, bright, phosphorus light crossed in front of me at blinding speed, literally. I spun around, cavitated , crashed on the blacktop, landed on my back, hit hard,although my helmet was on my head I hit hard, blackness circled my vision , closed in , right at the moment I was to go into unconsciousness THE white light appeared above me. To myself I said ,"this is it", " the white light I've heard about has come to take me away. I became calm. my fate was sealed , no longer my steer, I still heard the next song playing "Master of Sparks" by "ZZ Top. the blinding , glowing white light hovered above me momentarily then subsided , I could make out a figure, yes, it was an archangel, a Catholic one, I knew this because he looked Italian, all Catholic religious figures are Italian, even Jewish Jesus has blond hair and blue eyes, an Italian sculpted face. Or maybe it was the Italian Renaissance painters that did that, don't know , I would have like to have seen a French looking Apostle . So the Archangel is hovering over me , my first thought , my guardian angel has come to escort me to heaven. Why not , according to Sister Theresa, in the 3rd grade, if I didn't kill anyone I'm going to heaven. Forget the lying, cheating, stealing, littering, J walking, corruption, as long as I didn't kill anyone, except as a soldier under orders from the commander in chief, I could still go to heaven. I'm going to heaven and St Peter has sent an escort to make sure I get there safely. I exhale , relax, succumb, to the inevitable. The Archangel descends upon me , whoa , he has no feet , he has giant sharp talons, so big they encase my torso and they did, squeezing the little life left in me piercing my torso, maybe he'll carry me to heaven with his big beautiful angel wings, holding me in his talons, but no , he draws a 7 foot long chrome sword and fells my head in a quick smooth swoop. didn't see that coming. My head now rolls down the side of the levee , into a hole headed to the center of the earth, Ok I must be chosen for purgatory and this is the pathway.. My head lands in the fiery darkness with a slosh, the smell is deafening, putrid, foul, disgusting, rancid, couldn't put my finger on it. My head lay looking up and a little to the right, my ears were in the mushy floor covering, I glance to the right , human figures appear out the fiery glow, walking toward me. Probably the purgatory welcoming committee. My eyes cleared , small critters were running around with tails sticking up in the air, all was silent , the figures got closer and I heard it at the same time I saw it, 90 year old ladies with cans of fancy feast catfood in one had, tablespoons in the other, chanting ,"here kitty,, here kitty". It was all clear , lucifer had a bunk for me, I WAS IN HELL. Doomed to lay in catcrap listening to the cat ladies chanting "here kitty" eternally. HELL, IT WAS HELL, HELL , HELL....
PS: I came too 10 minutes later , it was an unconscious hallucination, I stood up , got on my bike , began to ride , 5 miles down the road I'm blocked by characters on the path, before I opened my mouth I heard the tapping of tablespoons on a tin cans , in unison with "here kitty, here kitty, here kitty.I hurriedly turned around , headed home , ran to the bathroom and locked the door. Stayed there till the morning sun erased the night , started a new day trying to stay out of hell on earth.
gary gauthier
