If you don't have a sense of humor, then no reason reading any further.
These accounts, recounts, and narrations may or may or not be true, I don't care.
The MS Tour is for raising money to fight MS. It's also a fun event for the fundraisers.
It starts in Hamond and goes to Percy Quinn Park near McComb. we spent the night and return Sunday.
Its about 75 miles each way, hills, valleys, towns, good roads, bad roads. plenty support , for traffic, food, drink, repairs, medical care. Well put on , very organized .
This was my 6th time and each has been better and faster. Made some friends, learned about biking,
and pushed myself to train to meet the task. Here is this years story.
Statistics:
Road Kill - 3 raccoons, 2 opossum, 1 turtle, 1 snake, 1 cat, 1 anteater, several gargoyles, 1 Beluga Whale. .
Sat - 77 miles in 6.3 hours,
Sun 75 miles in 5.4 hours.
Times include 5 rest stops.
Riders 1000. Finished - about 300.
breakdowns -none, flats none, chain failures -none, falls- none, babes-plenty, rain - none, bears- none.
Sightings I'll discuss later.
Marie and I arrived at the SELU Arena about 7:30, perfect timing, aired tires, oiled chain, applied numbers , helped Marie get on the road to McComb, 999 riders and I waited anxiously for 8:00am .
Started in the back and worked my way to the middle of the crowd, the front is too fast, you get left behind in the back so the middle is right for me. The gun signals all go, its a walk to start ,then a slow roll, the turn on to the main drag starts everyone riding , first 10, then 12, then 15 mph. 15 is a little fast for me especially with the north wind pounding my face,I felt good, was cool, had good legs, rested and ready so what the hell. We turned north, the Tour is on, shady and cool at first but in the 2nd mile here comes
Mr. Sun. Dodged the first roadkill, a raccoon, not too big, pounded down by cars and trucks. Riders without self restraint, control, having no idea about pacing come passing me by, I chuckle out loud , " I'll get you later" I mumble . First 10 miles went quick , I watched the usuals pass , the guy with the speaker on the back of his Cannondale playing his usual LSU stuff , his competitor with a wagon behind his bike playing off his MP3 player, he's playing Zeppelin and Hendrix, the Flying Elvis', the "Buttwatchers Team",
the "Sharkheads", all the chemical companies have a team, I'm suspicious of that, The "NOLA Roller Derby Girls", "The old guys that get fat over winter", its a team ,I didn't make it up . Things are warming up, I decide to pass the first rest stop, 200 riders trying to pee, shoulda went before we left.
The roads a little rough here, my butts trained for this, crossed a few small rivers, small hills , more road kills. I started to feel the atmosphere change as we gained altitude. I'm a steady 13 to 15 mph, 4 to 8 on hills. Approaching the 2nd rest stop I maintained my position , held my head up and put my "I'm kicking ass " smile out front . . Grabbed a quick snack and hit the road, trained for this also, shorter stops.
Beautiful scenery, big houses, 10 acre front yards, "they probably have to cut them with a Cadet Cub tractor,
horses, cows, a few asses, some on farms, some on bikes. We're spread out now, I'm happier being alone, I know the route, I turn on my MP3 player, it's like switching the supercharger on a race car, it motivates me , it numbs me, it inspires me, it grooves me baby. First song is "Born to be Wild" my pulse rises, serotonin re uptake is ripping across brain cells, endorphins are let out of prison and start stalking my sanity. I crest a Godzilla Hill and come flying down the back side, no riders in front, looking forward half a mile , notice something gray at the edge of the woods just off the road, I pull out my camera, as I approach, its big, 7 ft tall, walking on hind legs, long arms , gray with brown spots, apprehensive , do I continue or stop and try to make out what it is, ah, it a Bigfoot sighting, not unusual for this area, I shot a picture as I rode by, it's clear it's a older Bigfoot slowly moving into the woods, wasn't interested in me ,, I think I saw him shoot me the bird. I yelled a vulgarity at him, took his picture and got the hell out of there , they don't like being cussed at. . I press forward, the hills, become more and more prevalent, not the Alps but big enough to get pissed at. The grasses are loosing their bright green and preparing to turn for winter, the farmers are all baling hay and planting their winter crops. Dodged another road kill, whew stinky, maybe that was the rider in front of me, anyway, 3rd rest stop , my mechanic Eric from East Bank Cyclery is working this stop, my front derailleur needed a small adjustment , he turned the right screw 2 turns and that was it. Eric helps a lot of riders , the 3rd stop is where a lot of bikes start to fall apart. Mine gets a going over by Jonathan and Eric about 2 weeks before the tour, they watch out for me. East Bank Cyclery. Quick bite and pee and onward and upward. The behemoth hill lay before me like the Andes in Mississippi, as I climbed the air cooled, occasional snow flake, half way up I donned oxygen mask and goggles, cresting the apex at 4 mph I could see Arkansas, Texas and across Alabama. The downside scared the hell out of me , full brake and 30mph, glad to have that one behind me. Next stop lunch, pulled in , some riders take a nap, lay around , overeat, talk too long, grabbed a PBJ and walked around eating it ,didn't want heartbeat to slow too much, had a few cookies , sized up the other riders, all younger than me but not in better shape.. Still haven't seen my friend George. The Roller Derby Girls were all there, they scare me , tough, pretty but tough. Very expensive bike don't have kickstands , too much weight, I have a kickstand , my bike stands on its own. Had 2 full Gatorades on bike, grabbed a mini Power aid and put it in my pocket, different flavor. Back on the road, it narrows, is lonely and trees are close , no shoulder, mp3 player is blaring a Buddy Guy ,Junior Wells duet, "trouble dont' last always ", even over that I heard a strange yet beautiful siren singing, it got louder as I approached the Tickfaw River bridge, I slowed down and looking down river there were women, kinda, on the banks of the river singing a siren song like the island of Sirenum, Sirens don the head of a female and the body of a bird, the sirens song lures men to the treacherous rocks that protect them , well they didn't know that I read the Argonauts and 'Odysseus' Journey home , since I had no wax to plug my ears I raised the volume on my MP3 player,found Emenim singing "Without Me" ,it protected me from any outside music , I avoided being given the ripe wisdom and quicking of the spirit they whispered into mans ears. Thanks to Homer for saving me, "I think" ,besides I have a script for Valium. The blacktop ended , road turned to cement, tire threads sang a song I could feel in the handle bars, it was sweet music . I have 559 songs on my MP 3 player and everyone is a good one , right now its one of my 12 versions of Hendrix's "Little Wing", a song that takes me to to tall weeds where nobody worries or thinks. Even the Oriental version is great. Climbed two more aggressive hills, smooth pavement, legs are still feeling great, ass hurts a little, still can't find George. The volunteer motorcyclist keep going up an down the road looking for distressed, lost and
giving it up riders, they perform a great service, if you go too long without seeing one you've made a wrong turn, dig out that map . Next rests stop, riders becoming shallow, I attack the fruit now, apples, oranges bananas, nuts, trying to get some quick energy. This stop is in a wooded area, very beautiful, shady, calm.
hated to leave, as soon as I mounted and made that first revolution I could smell the finish line. I stuck my nose up like a caveman smelling game , pulling up all the testosterone I could muster I started pumping without care for pace or reservation. AKA, kicking ass at the finish. The hills lightened up a bit, road got a little rough , we went through Osyka, Independence, and Magnolia, didn't take long, none are Gotham City. I"m half way to the last stop , the road is narrow and wooded, fairley level, no riders around, I start hearing quack, quack, quack, quack,,quack, quack, "what the hell" I think to myself, turning around I am being attacked from behind by thousands of Muscovy Ducks, you know those ugly ducks that are every where there's a pint of water, bobbing their heads like their in the back window of a 57 Studebaker, . They had teeth! Ducks with teeth!, no they had fangs, this must be a dream, or the MS Tour,
their gaining on me. they cover the road behind me, it's like a cheap horror movie, "Attack of the Muscovy Ducks". I put on my Tom terrific thinking cap and the solution is simple, once at a comic book convention I had lunch with "Hal Jordan," he gave me a "Green Lantern Ring", I faced the ring toward the attacking ugly quacking ducks , the Green Lantern Ring extended a giant green oriental cook with a cleaver, he chopped all their heads off , prepared to make orange duck with them. I pedaled my ass away from there full speed to the last stop. Grasshopper was there he fought his way through the ducks, he then retired to his fortress of solitude to recover. The last stop had only about 5 riders, most pass it up , it's close to the park, I like their grapes,they ice them I didn't stay long, off again. Percy Quinn Park entrance is beautiful, wooded, hilly, signs on the side for motivation, strangers cheering you on,motorcycles blowing horns.
Marie was waiting at the finish line, I signed a few autographs, and posed for some pictures. The Hero saved the village and is to be heralded. I have slain the Dragon today. We discussed the trip as we walked to the car, I wasn't tired , I was still excited, the sense of accomplishment gives you a real high you can't suppress. Loaded the bike and drove to the hotel , carried it to the 2nd floor, thought about resting , naw, lets go eat. Our favorite McComb spot is the "Golden Corral " , Marie is a big beef eater and I'm a people watcher so it fits us both. I can't eat much at a time so I sit while Marie carouses the food bars. There must be a law that would stop me from just walking up to people and taking their pictures, the giant earrings, missing teeth, butt cheeks exposed, boots made from reptile skin with pant legs stuck inside, hair color without definition or description, shirts designed by Andy Warhol and Andy Rooney. Marie filled up , I got in enough carbs to carry me through tomorrow, the food is great , the variety is great . No trip away from home is valid without a stop at Walmart, we pretended we needed some Rolaids and Devils Food Cookies.
Walked around the Wally World for a while, it was slow, very clean store, not exciting . Back at the room took a muscle relaxer and I was out till morning..
Day 2.
I awake to the phone alarm, the desk call, and the alarm clock, I put both feet on the floor and start to rise, it's then I realise my left knee hurts like hell, I hobbled to the bathroom, brushed, shaved, washed and it still hurt, decision time, it's not in the bone, it's outside the center joint, pushed it too hard yesterday, can it take more today, started some stretching exercises, felt a little better, we came here to ride, we're gonna ride. Mounted bike on the car while Marie paid the innkeeper. On the way to the park I told Marie, if it blows it blows but I'm gonna go for it , my knees are pretty sturdy. Arriving at the park there are fewer riders than yesterday morning, that's the usual , some die hards left already. Check tires, look over bike, sent Marie home. I'm stranded now , have to do it. After she got on the highway out the park she calls me, that's my cue to head to the breakfast bar. Scrambled, eggs, grits, biscuits, yogurt, fruit, juice, ummmmm.
It"s 15 minutes to start, as before I work my way to the center, this start is a little different, the road out the park is narrow, no shoulders, hilly and has speed bumps, lots of falls, collisions, flats, I stay to the right and just try to hold position till we hit the highway. Just to the right of me a girl let her front wheel hit the back wheel of the bike in front of her, down she went , hundreds of riders behind her tried not to run over her.
I keep pulling to the right almost in the ditch along the road, trying to stay free of the Pelelton type mob.
Thought I was in a velodrome for a minute. Plenty of gear shifting , small hills boom boom boom one after another. My knee feels alright till I pull a climb, try to use my right leg more on hills. We hit the main highway and the motorcycles pick us up and its on. The sun shows it's cocky face, warming bits and peices of earth it chooses with discretion , not always to my advantage. Shine on me I beseech it's golden morning rays. Lets play a little Tab Benoit, right place , right time. Starts me kicking, bad knee and all. Two breakdowns on the right half mile out the park, poor maintenance. Still haven't seen George, keep repeating Franks advice, push, push, push, think cadence, steady pedaling with rhythm and intention.
On the right I see a herd of cattle , there's a sign , it says its the herd from Rawhide , their retired, they just eat and crap and think of Gil Favor and Clint Eastwood. I can almost hear Frankie Lane singing in the background, "Roll em, Roll em ,Roll em, keep them doggies rolling". Why did they call cows doggies?
The road is cool this morning, no tires were sticking to the blacktop, the first stop was quick and easy, took pee, grabbed ,oranges and took off. I'm in the mist, not draggin up the rear. The north wind is pushing me south , I keep pushing the pedals, left knee just takes it. The hills come early on Sunday, this big muttha on a state highway is so high I heard a helicopter pass by and I had to look down to see it. Next rest stop again was short and quick, it is on a downside of a hill, you catch your breathe a minute ,head down for a start. Just hit a string of "Jerry Butler" songs, "The Ice man"" was his nickname. The man is a great singer, makes me relax, "eases my troubled mind," no that's song by "Sam Cooke". I'm passing up riders as their fatigue factor rises, I get faster, motivated, hurting, want to cross the finish before knee goes.
Made it to the lunch stop, had my PBJ and some power aid, cookies, and oranges, the Acadian Ambulance was also there having lunch, I approached the two young girls manning the station and asked, "can you help an old man with a nagging knee". One said , "sure follow me" she pulled out an ace bandage and started wrapping me left knee, she ask, "is that better", "sure " I replied , "but I was thinking more of a Vocodin",
"no ,no Vocodin" , "well I'll have to tough it out" , laughing , she knew I was kidding.
Back to the road , now I have an ace bandage nagging me along with a bum knee. For an added motivation I searched my MP3 player for "Homeward Bound" by "Simon and Garfunkel", it got me kicking.
the road narrowed, the woods, hung over in some places, always scanning the area I see a huge broken branch , a worn path going in to the woods, no doubt it's a Bigfoot trail, looking down I see a footprint in the sandy soil at the woods edge. Pulled out my camera just in case a sighting was imminant, turning the next curve there he stood, 7 feet tall, dark long hair, long arms, big feet, stinking to high heaven, big red eyes,
he dashed into the woods , but I was ready , I got a clear shot with my Nikon, I sent the picture to the National Big Foot Society ,they verified the photo and if you click on it you can see why , its; a clear big foot shot., no mistaking it for a man in a gorilla suite,a photo shop picture, or my hairy aunt from Bayou Lafourche. I've also sent the picture to NASA so they can study it up close. the last stop on Sunday is in Independence, La. we travel through downtown, the rest stop is a little church and school "Mata Delorosa School, the statue they have there of Virgin Mary was adorned with flowers, it reminded me of my 3 years at St Joseph on Tulane, in May we crowned the Virgin Mary in the Convent Courtyard, all the little girls wore rings of daises on their crowns, it was beautiful , I thought what a great time for a Novena, no time for a Novena so I thanked God for the health to perform this tour and raise money for MS research, thanked God that nobody got hurt, and thanked God for keeping my knee together to the finish line and on that note I headed for the finish line. We travel through Independence, approaching Hamond from the North, more traffic, more houses, more turns, then finally coming out on the main drag we started on ,I'm pumping fast as I can, 18 MPH , pulling into the finish line I'm mobbed by fans , reporters, autograph hounds, I was so early Marie hadn't arrived yet,. Still haven't seen George. Asked the lady at the finish that cheers everyone in to take my picture crossing the finish line . Dismounted , knee still hurting, didn't care, felt great, again I have left the village, slayed the dragon , and returned a hero earning the princess' hand. Can life get any better, I think not.
Walked over to the registration table and signed up for next year. Last song of the day, "Kryptonite " by "3 Doors Down.
gary
ps, next blog has the pictures, click to enlarge, if they aren't right below this blog, choose that blog from the menu at the right of the page, its the one that say MS Tour 2010 Pictures. you can add comments if you want at the end of the blog.
